– My Endless Regret –


I never knew that was the last time you would ever smile at me
I didn't know it would be the last time you would see me alive
I didn’t know how hard it was till I tried to hold on
I didn’t know there was anything more to life than this
I never knew death would be even worse
I didn’t mean it, I swear, I never meant to go that far, it’s just that I stopped caring

I never knew I would still be able to see you and reach out to you and try to touch you, but never quite make it
If I had known you cared so much, I would never have put you through this
I didn’t mean it, not really, but I stopped coping a long time ago
The blade just slipped, again, deeper, again
~I didn’t know the end would want me so badly.

You never knew I would reach out to touch your cheek as you slumbered each night
Or that the crimson and the tears fell in torrents as I held you, only to disappear into nothing
I didn’t know I could hold you in my arms like this, or that time seemed to stop when I did
I didn’t know I could hold you so tenderly, but still you would never know I was there. You never felt me. I tried. I tried to make you feel it, I did.
I tried so hard but you never felt me, not once.
~And you never knew how much I loved you

I didn’t know you would never see me standing desperately next to you, telling you that I loved you, that I was ok even though I wasn’t, that you could move on
I didn’t know I would fade as the morning swept over the night
I didn’t know you would never feel me touch your face. Believe me, I tried. I tried to make you feel it, I did
I tried so hard but you never felt me
I didn’t know you would never see me standing right in front of you, watching over you

I didn’t know I would never tell you how I felt, I never knew you felt the same way.
How could I have known you had worked up the courage to tell me right before you found me. How could I have known you would arrive as I passed, or that you would sit and hold my lifeless form until the others came and took me away from you.

I didn’t know, and I wish I did. I wish it never happened. I wish so much that time could play backwards. I wish you could have saved me. I know you tried, but you were too late. I know you blame yourself, and I wish I could tell you that it wasn’t your fault. I wish I wish I wish that I could. But I can’t.

And I didn’t know I would be cursed to watch you grow old and go from me
I didn’t know you would never get over me
I didn’t know I could never leave this place, that I am bound here and cursed to walk this haunt for eternity
I didn’t know the dead could wish for death again so badly

I didn’t know they would tell my story to the others, almost as if they knew. But they never told you. No, they never told you

And I didn’t know my heart could ache so much
I didn’t even know I had a heart until too late

I didn’t know any of this before.
But now I do. Now I can see so clearly that you cared for me. I can see it all but it’s too late
If only I knew. If only. If only I hadn’t been so damn blind.
And I am sorry. I am so sorry for being so stupid. And now I have to pay. I regret everything and I wish and I weep and I wish and I tried. But it was never enough. I was never enough.
And now you’re gone and I’m still here. Cursed to haunt this place forever.
For eternity.


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